An Invisible Force

The only things I kill are mosquitoes when they are near me and that’s only cause I’m allergic. And when it happens I literally almost cry about it. Something about karma, the universe, and living things just affects me this way. Though I hate any type of insect I will always go out of my way to do everything to get them out of the house without harming them. The idea of harming life is incredibly upsetting for me.

Same thing with the news, that’s why I don’t watch it but instead read about it on the web. I can also never watch horror films or anything gory without high risk of intense nightmares. Btw, I get really furious and upset when someone posts something horrible on a forum or blog without a disclaimer and I inadvertently see pictures. That also triggers many nightmarish nights. I remember when I was around seven, I was watching the news, and there was footage of a massive fire in a Brazilian hotel. And they showed a picture of someone jumping out the window to their death … to this day (and 9/11 footage didn’t help) I have nightmares of that vision. Without judging anyone I literally am another species from those who can watch things like “faces of death,” nothing in my being relates to that existence.

I know I know, I’m a little girl.

But here’s the main thing I wanted to share …

I remember when i was growing up my parents used to switch me boarding schools every year from the age of seven till I finished school. Often in different countries. That meant that I used to get picked on a lot. Up until a certain age (13-14) I never fought back, literally stood there like a martyr and let it happen in complete peace. Then it got out of hand and I started to defend myself, but here’s the odd part … I remember many fights that I never started but that I was winning. And I remember having this almost divine fuse inside me. I remember standing on top of another kid wanting to hit him and physically not being able to move my arm no matter how hard I tried. I just could not do it. Could not bring myself to harm another being any more than was required to defend myself. It is a strange sensation and a beautiful one in retrospect.

I’m not sure if I am describing it correctly, it literally felt like an invisible force holding me back. And almost instantly all the adrenaline and anger would just fade away into a sense of peace … then I would just stand up and walk way.

Now the first part is not uncommon … I have many friends who don’t feel at peace killing anything more aware that a plant. The aversion to graphic imagery is also not uncommon.

But that last thing I have never heard anyone describe it to me as an experience. That doesn’t mean it is unique to me, I just haven’t discussed it with many people in person. In fact I had completely forgotten it until recently.


  1. bigfatfurrytexan says:

    I live in the desert and occasionally have no other option but to kill a bug. The other day it was a 10″ centipede. No safe way to catch and release, you know?

    But i am unable to hit anyone. I am a weightlifting champion (i competed against Mark Henry in high school, at the state meet) from my youth and have lots of training in martial arts from my childhood, as well. I am afraid to hurt anyone. I could accidentally kill someone. So i am unable to hit them. My fear of causing the “final harm” to someone prevents me from being able to do that.

    I have always won fights (only had a few in my life, as i am a pretty big guy) by using holds. Once i grew up and learned PMAB while working in mental health, i had an option that i could use to subdue people long enough that they just gave up. The only fight i have had in my adult life (a drunk dude attacked me out of nowhere) was won doing this. I just used his momentum to take him to the ground, then my 400lb frame to keep him there.

    I understand where you are coming from. We have a similar thing here, but for different reasons.

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