An Invisible Force

So I was having a nice conversation with a friend … we were talking about our mutual inability to harm living things, and I remembered something from my childhood that I had forgotten. I found it ratherr interesting, psychologically anyway, and thought I would share it in case someone had ever felt something similar or were familiar with it.

So here it goes:

The only things I kill are mosquitoes when they are near me and that’s only cause I’m allergic. And when it happens I literally almost cry about it. Something about karma, the universe, and living things just affects me this way. Though I hate any type of insect I will always go out of my way to do everything to get them out of the house without harming them. The idea of harming life is incredibly upsetting for me.

Same thing with the news, that’s why I don’t watch it but instead read about it on the web. I can also never watch horror films or anything gory without high risk of intense nightmares. Btw, I get really furious and upset when someone posts something horrible on their website without a disclaimer and I inadvertently see pictures. That also triggers many nightmarish nights. I remember when I was around seven, I was watching the news, and there was footage of a massive fire in a Brazilian hotel. And they showed a picture of someone jumping out the window to their death … to this day (and 9/11 footage didn’t help) I have nightmares of that vision. Without judging anyone I literally am another species from those who can watch things like “faces of death,” nothing in my being relates to that existence.

I know I know I’m a little girl.

But here’s the main thing I wanted to convey …

I remember when i was growing up my parents used to switch me boarding schools every year from the age of seven till I finished school. Often in different countries. That meant that I used to get picked on a lot. Up until a certain age (13-14) I never fought back, literally stood there like a martyr and let it happen in complete peace. Then it got out of hand and I started to defend myself, but here’s the odd part … I remember many fights that I never started but that I was winning. And I remember having this almost divine fuse inside me. I remember standing on top of another kid wanting to hit him and physically not being able to move my arm no matter how hard I tried. I just could not do it. Could not bring myself to harm another being any more than was required to defend myself. It is a strange sensation and a beautiful one in retrospect.

I’m not sure if I am describing it correctly, it literally felt like an invisible force holding me back. And almost instantly all the adrenaline and anger would just fade away into a sense of peace … then I would just stand up and walk way.

Now the first part is not uncommon … I have many friends who don’t feel at peace killing anything more aware that a plant. The aversion to graphic imagery is also not uncommon.

But that last thing I have never heard anyone describe it to me as an experience. That doesn’t mean it is unique to me, I just haven’t discussed it with many people in person. In fact I had completely forgotten it until recently.

– Serge

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